Lauren Denton
My mom imparted valuable lessons to me my whole life. She wasn’t intrusive about it, she didn’t nag or give lectures, and her lessons weren’t so lofty and highbrow that they required heavy thinking or a textbook. But in her own soft, easy way, she filled me with small doses of wisdom I draw from regularly:
When you can’t sleep, quote verses of scripture in your mind.
A little lipstick brightens your whole face.
Adding seeded jalapeno to a dish adds flavor without the heat.
Go ahead and use the good china.
But there’s one that keeps tripping me up, only because it’s such a hard lesson for me to put into practice. It was just a few years ago that she mentioned this to me, and I think about it nearly daily. She said, “When someone gives you a compliment, say thank you, and that’s it.”
She’d realized that anytime someone gave her a compliment, whether it was about her clothes or hair, her house or a bunch of flowers she’d picked and arranged in a vase, her immediate reaction was to try to downplay whatever kind thing they’d said. So her mission for herself was to force herself to bite back everything that wanted to fly out of her mouth and just say “thank you” instead.
It didn’t take long for me to see I do the same thing, regardless what the compliment is about. “Your hair looks nice.” Oh, it really needs a wash.
“I love your house.” Thanks, it’s covered in dog hair.
“Great shot, Lauren.” I just got lucky with that one.
“I love the dress you’re wearing.” Thanks, it’s just Target.
“This dinner is delicious.” I think I overcooked the chicken.
When I stop to think about it, I realize the list goes on and on — any time someone tries to say something kind or complimentary, I brush it off. I say “thank you, but…”
And Mom, in her sweet way, wasn’t just saying we should accept people’s compliments because we need to hear the nice things — even though that’s true. She also pointed out how it can make the person who said the nice thing feel silly for liking whatever they complimented. It’s like saying, “I hear you, but here’s why your opinion is wrong.” Her lesson was to validate their comment, say thank you and move on.
Here's something else I’ve noticed in regards to this thank-you business. Kids seem to be better at accepting compliments than we adults are. Children will generally say thank you and be genuinely happy to hear the compliment, whether it’s about their clothes, a grade, a sports win or a craft project. I can’t think of a time when I’ve given a child or young teen a compliment only to hear them brush it off or put themselves down.
Our youngest daughter, Sela, is always sketching something, and she’s a great drawer. Recently she came and showed me one of her drawings she wasn’t happy with. She said, “Look at this. I don’t think it’s very good.” I told her I thought it was actually pretty great and that I liked where it was headed, and it totally turned her view on it. Instead of tossing it in the trash, she smiled and kept working.
And it’s not just kids. I think men are better at accepting compliments than women are as well. Whether it’s a compliment on a newly mowed backyard, an excellent cocktail, an article of clothing or a burger on the grill, a compliment to a man is generally met with “Thank you.” Full stop.
It’s just us women who could use some practice in saying, “Thank you, I appreciate that,” without feeling the need to disregard a compliment. (And if you’re a woman and you have no problem accepting praise from others, I say, “Congratulations — you’ve clearly achieved a level of wise maturity I’ve yet to reach!”)
Maybe it has something to do with women not wanting to appear cocky or vain — though taking a compliment at face value has absolutely nothing to do with arrogance or vanity.
It's a substantial skill to be able to both give and receive an honest, kind compliment. To be generous with praise and encouragement, and also able to hear something nice about yourself and accept it without dismissing your own praiseworthy attributes. It’s something we all could probably work on, but especially the women in the room.
Going forward, I’ll keep trying to hold my tongue when someone pays me a compliment. I’ll think of my mom and try my best to just say “Thanks” and leave it at that. And if the next time you see me I’m wearing brighter lipstick than usual, or if you come to my house on a random Tuesday and my kitchen table is set with Wedgwood Crown Gold rather than plain white ceramic, just know I’m taking my mom’s lessons to heart.
When I’m not writing about my family and our various shenanigans, I write novels and go to the grocery store. You can find my books in stores, online, and locally at Little Professor Bookshop. You can reach me by email at Lauren@LaurenKDenton.com, visit my website LaurenKDenton.com, or find me on Instagram @LaurenKDentonBooks or Facebook ~LaurenKDentonAuthor.
