Finding common ground

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17

This is the scripture Dr. Gordon Bals repeated throughout our premarital counseling sessions seven years ago. It meant so much to me at the time that I had it printed and framed for my husband as a gift on our wedding day.

Now, reflecting on that scripture, I think it well illustrates Bals’ Daymark Pastoral Counseling practice and its effect on our community. Bals’ delicate words, his commitment to his family, church and clients, and his interminable scriptural knowledge all lend themselves to a sharpening effect: A sharpening of our minds, of our relationships with our spouse and other loved ones, of our desire to draw close to God.

And that makes him qualified to write a fabulous book about regaining “common ground” in the midst of a difficult, perhaps broken, marriage: Common Ground: God’s Gift of a Restored Marriage.

“Marriage is hard but it doesn’t have to lead to hardened or divided hearts,” Bals said. “Marital difficulty can turn you toward your faith in a way that matters, so your heart softens and you find rest and togetherness with your spouse. The book helps you recognize harmful relational patterns and turn toward life-giving relational patterns.”

Don’t be fooled by Bals’ quiet, reserved demeanor. He is a seasoned communicator. He talks golf and football with my husband. He lives with four females. And he has a PhD and was in the United States Naval Reserve.

But Bals’ true skill lies in both listening and suffering through life’s challenges with his clients. It is not unusual for him to offer up his own experiences. In our case, it has always been the painful gorge that infertility can cut into your marriage. He also has a way of seamlessly weaving scripture into every session without sounding preachy, or heck, without even opening a Bible.

It is like lightning bolts of knowledge; one can almost feel God breathing in the room. And, it goes without saying, Bals will weep with you. He weeps from remembering his own pain, for others’ distress, and from the deepest joy and rest we can all find in Jesus.  

I, for one, have likened his counseling sessions to a nice massage. You leave feeling rested, feeling peaceful. At least that’s been my experience. My husband Matt and I have not faced huge battles, such as an immediate family member’s death, or a sick or damaged child. But we have our struggles, as do all couples. And Common Ground addresses those struggles, which, as Bals eloquently points out, are the result of an evil force working against all marriages. It’s up to us to face this evil with God’s wisdom.

Bals and his wife, Dawn, have lived in Homewood 17 years, and their three girls are active in Homewood schools as well as the community. Aimee, a senior, is a Star Spangled Girl; Abby, a sophomore, plays saxophone in the marching band and is in the show choir; Elise, an eighth grader, is a cheerleader. From Gordon officiating our wedding ceremony to Dawn and her girls watching our daughter Caroline over the years, the Bals have become a special presence in our lives and the lives of countless Birmingham residents.

If the following quote from Bals’ book speaks to you the way it does me, then you may want to read the entire, marriage-renewing text:

“God pursues you and can restore you into a more loving person. He wants to do this for you not because you try hard, but because He is kind.”

Common Ground can be purchased locally at Little Professor Book Center or online at Daymarkcounseling.com or Amazon.com. For more information about Daymark Pastoral Counseling, visit daymarkcounseling.com or call 871-3332.