Ordinary Days: The fear of missing out

Somewhere during quarantine back in the spring/early summer, I realized I was experiencing what so many refer to as FOMO. (In case you don’t know the term, it means “fear of missing out.”) But in this case, it wasn’t that I felt I was missing out on the action, it was more the feeling that my kids were the ones missing out. On walks or drives through the neighborhood, I’d see groups of kids on bikes, or a few friends in a front yard, or walking between houses, and my first thought was, “Oh no, all the other kids are getting to see each other and mine aren’t.” We did have a couple other families we saw regularly during the quarantine, so it’s not that my girls saw no one, but still. We were on month two or three of serious together time, and I knew they were missing not just school friends but regular routines and seeing faces other than mine all day, every day.

I had some moments of panic, thinking Kate and Sela would get back to school and realize everyone had been hanging out together all summer without them. Thankfully, the panic was short-lived when I realized I was projecting that feeling of missing out onto them, plus I knew I’d likely read into the situation and every other kid was not, in fact, hanging out together. But it did create a bit of a weird feeling in me as their parent — this desire to make sure my girls don’t miss out on anything, wanting them to be and feel included, not wanting our rules to keep them from enjoying what their friends are enjoying.

Then a bigger realization hit me: I tend to feel that way anytime I have to say no to something they want to do, but that I’m not comfortable with yet. You name it, I’ve probably said no to it: a phone, taking a computer to a bedroom, watching a movie or Netflix show that deals with topics I’m not ready for them to see, sending and receiving messages in a chat room on what’s most likely a perfectly harmless fashion app, even if “everyone else’s parents let them do it.”

(Side note: Being a parent is HARD.)

Do I worry that my saying “no” will cause them to miss out? Yes. Do I worry our family rules will keep them from feeling a sense of community or feeling like they’re part of a group? Yes. Do I worry they’ll occasionally feel alienated by not having all the right toys or devices or permissions? Again, yes. Matt and I make a point to try to say yes to Kate and Sela as much as we can, but even still, there are a lot of noes, and the things we allow our girls to see and do often differ from other families’ choices. And the thing is, that has to be OK. Specifically, I have to be OK with it. I can’t let my own FOMO dictate how I parent. Each family has to make decisions that are right for their own children, and there are a hundred good reasons why what we do may look different than what you do. And the crazy thing is, in these unsettled days, our decisions may change as we all weigh pros and cons, needs versus wants, mandates and personal responsibilities.

So whether it’s the question of when to give our kids a phone, whether to allow them to attend gatherings with friends, whether we send them to school in-person or keep them learning virtually, or any of the countless other decisions we have to make on a day-to-day basis, let’s all try to cut ourselves — and those around us — some slack. We make the best decisions we can based on the information we have at the moment. At this time where it seems everything changes practically daily, some rules will naturally ease. For example, the amount of TV our kids are watching! (Keep in mind, I’m writing this in July, and it’s approximately 150 degrees outside.) Some rules are tough, though. My 10-year-old still cannot talk me into buying her a phone or watching YouTube videos in her bedroom, and I’m still not buying my 8-year-old a pet guinea pig. (We did get the dog, though. See? We say yes to some things.)

When I’m not writing about my family and our various shenanigans, I write novels and go to the grocery store. My latest novel, “The Summer House,” is in stores and online now. You can reach me by email at Lauren@LaurenKDenton.com, visit my website LaurenKDenton.com, or find me on Instagram @LaurenKDenton-Books, Twitter @LaurenKDenton, or on Facebook ~LaurenKDentonAuthor.