The comparison trap

Matt and I always knew no child of ours would have straight hair. We both have curly hair, and most folks in our families have curly or wavy hair. As predicted, both Kate and Sela have beautiful curls. Recently, 5-year-old Kate has decided that straight hair is prettier than curly hair. “Your curly hair is beautiful,” I tell her. “Why do you want it to look different?” She’ll shrug her shoulders, and then look longingly at a picture in a book of a girl with straight hair. 

Some days it’s not straight hair, it’s someone else’s backpack. “I wish I had a backpack like that.” Or an article of clothing, or a trip to Disney World, or a Frozen Lego set like the girl on TV. Sure, some of it is plain old envy, but I think at the heart of it, she’s seeing what others have or are and thinking they’re better than her because of it. 

Many times I don’t feel up to the challenge of raising two girls who will be bombarded by Instagram, TV, movies and an overall culture that tries to teach kids — and even adults — what they should look like, how they should dress, what they should think, who they should hang out with, what’s cool and what’s not. Feeling the urge to compare yourself to those around you is inevitable in a situation like this. It was the same for me when I was growing up (minus the social media, thank the Lord), but as we all know, it’s ramped up a million percent for kids now. For these and many other reasons, I often find myself praying, “Lord Jesus, come quickly, and preferably before middle school.”

But what I’m starting to see is that maybe God has plans for me through my teaching Kate (and eventually Sela) about not comparing herself to others. Because the thing is, I do it too. You’d think a 36-year-old adult would know better than to compare herself to other women, to wish she had what someone else has or that she could do what someone else can do. But I could use a few more lessons. We probably all could.

Social media has a lot to do with it. Never before has it been so easy to peek into our friends’ lives. We see what activities their kids are participating in (“I should probably sign my kids up for that too”), what charities they volunteer for (“I wish I had the time/inclination to do service work like that too”), what their spotless houses look like (“Why does mine never look like that?”), where they go on vacation (“Makes our vacation look pretty boring”), what they look like in a bathing suit (“And after how many kids!?”). Any of these feelings sound familiar? 

For men, it’s probably more along the lines of jobs, vacation days, cars, maybe even the prowess of their children on the T-ball or football fields. It’s always a challenge to not compare ourselves to other people, but all the more so when everyone’s lives (at least the spiffed-up versions) are laid out on the internet all the time.

As I think through all this and try to put my finger on the perfect solution that will shield Kate and Sela from the comparison trap, part of me says it’s futile — social media, mean kids and thoughtless comments will always be a part of life. But another part says we can and should fight back against this by teaching our kids, and ourselves, that we have worth beyond what we see in the world around us. None of us is worthy because of our hair type, body shape, athletic abilities, math skills or the coolness of our backpacks. What makes us worthy and unchangeably beautiful is what’s in our hearts. Everything else is fleeting. 

Lauren can be reached at LaurenKDenton@gmail.com. You can also find her on Twitter @LaurenKDenton.