The business of being a mom

When I was a child, I wanted to be a veterinarian so I could play with animals all day. A few years later, I wanted to be a neonatologist — likely because I loved babies and thought it meant I’d get to cuddle them all day. Once I got to college and the time came to choose a major (and a career path), I realized what I really wanted to be was a mom.

Obviously, a woman can be a mother and have a fulfilling career, but that just wasn’t what I knew. What I knew was that my mom was always home with my brother and me when we were kids. She was home after school and during the summers when the days stretched long. That made an impact on me, and I wanted to be that same constant presence in my kids’ lives one day.

Sometime after Matt and I married and we started thinking about kids, I got it in my head that being a mom would be where I’d shine. I hadn’t yet found my “thing” — the thing I was good at, that I excelled at, that I could pour my heart and energy into. I thought if we could just have a baby, I’d be the mom on the Pinterest pages, making homemade applesauce and handcrafting all my kids’ Valentines. I wanted to cook nutritious foods for my family, organize play dates with neighbors, and take part in the community around me.

Now that I stay home and “work” for two sweet little girls, I realize that I romanticized the whole idea of motherhood and staying home with kids. Many moments are magical, but oh, the hard parts can be intense! Soon after I had Kate, I truly thought I was a terrible mother. I lost my patience easily, I was on edge and testy, and I’d snap for no reason (well, no reason other than sleeplessness and hormone swings). I had good days, but it was hard to fight the nagging voice that told me I wasn’t as good at the whole mother thing as I thought I’d be.

These days, while I’m certainly not a pro, I do have a bit better perspective. Adding a second child to the mix (Sela, who’s now almost 2) was much easier than adjusting to one child. But even now, I have to work to speak truth to the negative voices that still tell me I’m not good enough. With a headstrong 4 year old and a toddler who would rather be on top of the kitchen table than standing on the floor like a normal person, I still lose my patience. I get angry over small things and lose my temper. I have to apologize to Kate all the time for losing it, but at least she’s seeing me apologize. I read once that kids don’t learn to apologize to people they hurt because they never hear apologies at home, and I thought, “Well, at least I’m getting one thing right!”

The other day, Kate curled up in my lap and said, “You’re the greatest Mom in the whole wide world.” She’s big on superlatives these days. She recently ate a cookie, shook her head in amazement, and said, “This is the best cookie in the whole world.” I took her compliment with a grain of salt, but it was still pleasing to hear. I’m happy that in the midst of sometimes feeling like a failure, my child thinks I’m doing okay. And in the business of being a mom, she and Sela are the two people whose opinions matter the most.

Lauren can be reached at LaurenKDenton@gmail.com. You can also find her tweeting writerly things on Twitter @LaurenKDenton.