Overreactions 101 (aka The Coffee Incident)

Lesson 2,684 since having kids: I am an over-reactor. Grade A, get a gold star, never-been-in-drama-class-but-maybe-I-should-have-been over-reactor. The other day, I spilled a perfectly sugared and creamed mug of coffee on the floor. I grumbled a bit, but I cleaned it up, made another cup and moved on. A few minutes later, Kate, my 5 year old, accidentally spilled that cup of coffee all over the table. My reaction? You would have thought she had shredded our last dollar. And the fact that I had reacted (sort of) calmly to the first spill didn’t matter because I ruined it with the second one — she saw me totally lose my cool.

And I have the gall to wonder where her overreactions come from. 

I’m not saying we parents need to hide our reactions from our kids all the time. They need to see that things make us sad, angry and happy. But they also need to learn how to handle those emotions, and the first people they’re going to learn it from are their parents. As my girls grow, I’m learning that I am my reaction — to them and to others around me. My husband, my parents — they know my heart and know that if I blow my gasket over something as trivial as a cup of coffee, it doesn’t mean I’m always the kind of person who flips out. But people who don’t know me well, and my two young daughters who are still feeling out this world and the people in it, they know me solely through the way I act and react. 

Now, my daughters Kate and Sela have no problem expressing their joy and excitement, though I have no claim on that. Kids don’t need anyone to teach them about joy and happiness. They’re wired for it. But the more negative emotions? That’s where parents’ teaching comes in. Through the way I handle my anger, minor frustrations and daily disappointments, I’m teaching them how to handle their own. The coffee incident showed me that if I’m not careful, I will teach them to be easily frustrated, quick to anger and mired in disappointment. Instead, I want to teach them to handle these emotions with grace, patience (with themselves and with others) and hopeful expectation. Obviously, I still need to learn a lot of that myself, and for me, it all starts with my words.

Philippians 4:8 talks about focusing our thoughts on what’s good and true. From those thoughts come our words. I saw something else recently that has been a help to me. It said before you speak or react, think. Is what you’re about to say true, helpful, inspiring, necessary or kind? It’s a simple, maybe cheesy, tool, but it reminds me that the words we speak are powerful, both for us and for those who listen. By giving myself a quick moment to think before I react to something, I pray my girls will see more grace and less frustration. I’d rather them grow up to be the kind of women who feel their frustration and react with love and kindness rather than an over-reaction that deserves its own stage. 

Lauren can be reached at LaurenKDenton@gmail.com. You can also find her on Twitter 

@LaurenKDenton.