Ordinary Days: Silence is golden

This past Christmas, our family joined the millions of other people in the world (or maybe just our country) who regularly talk to a robot voice named Alexa. We were holdouts for a while, not seeing the need for this “Alexa” to turn on our music when we could do it ourselves or tell us a joke when our girls are fountains of knock-knock jokes and silly riddles. But now we see the light. Or at least our kids do.

Matt and I enjoy it too. We like the “Drop-In” capabilities (“Come downstairs for dinner,” or “Why can we hear “Baby Shark” all the way into the kitchen?”), and Matt loves to tinker with the settings, so when they tell Alexa they’re bored, she tells them to clean their rooms.

Our kids still watch TV, but I was surprised by how much less they asked for TV once we got Alexa. It seems their toys are much more fun if they have easy access to music to listen to while they’re playing. I’ll often find them building with Legos while listening to their favorite music, which is Michael Jackson these days (not too shabby).

So all’s great, right? Well, it didn’t take too long for me to realize that Alexa was on pretty much all the time. “Good morning, Alexa” and “Good night, Alexa” became common refrains. So we implemented some rules and set time limits. And I talked to them about silence. One sunny afternoon when the girls and I were out walking around the neighborhood, Kate was telling me about something she’d heard on “Wow in the World,” an NPR podcast for kids that mixes humor, science, curiosity and technology.

She went on and on, telling me how good it was, and said she couldn’t wait to get home and turn it back on.

“Or you could just have some silence for a little bit,” I said.

She looked at me like I’d grown another head. “But I love Mindy and Guy Raz (hosts of “Wow in the World”). They’re hilarious. And they teach me things.”

“I know,” I said. “I like them too. I think “Wow in the World” is great. So is music, and TV, and audio books. It’s all good stuff, but if you’re always filling your ears with other people’s words, you won’t know what you think about things.”

“I know what I think,” she replied.

End of discussion.

I know, I know, I’m an introvert, and while I love music, I often crave not hearing anything but my own thoughts. Not everyone is like that, nor should they be. But with our phones and earbuds, podcasts and treadmill TVs, even the sports and news information that clicks on the minute you start pumping gas, we’re now at a place where it’s fairly easy to never have to be alone with your own thoughts. You don’t have to be an introvert to see the problem with this.

Since Christmas I’ve been reading through the book “Digital Minimalism” by Cal Newport. Not long after talking to the girls about silence and “everything in moderation,” I stumbled on some similar ideas in his book. “Solitude requires you to move past reacting to information created by other people and focus instead on your own thoughts and experiences — wherever you happen to be.”

I want that for Kate and Sela — for them to be able to sit with their own thoughts, think about their own experiences and ponder their own creativity. When they hear other people’s opinions and ideas, I want them to be able to weigh those against their own. And for them to know what they think because they’ve given themselves time to form those thoughts and opinions.

Easy for me to say, sitting here on the sidelines of their lives, but they are ultimately the ones who will have to decide how much solitude they want or don’t want. But until then, I’ll set limits where I can, offer guidance — occasionally in the form of obscure clichés and phrases — and try to give what hard-earned wisdom I can, hoping some of it sinks in.

When I’m not writing about my family and our various shenanigans, I write novels and go to the grocery store. My next novel, “The Summer House,” releases in June 2020. You can reach me by email at Lauren@LaurenKDenton.com, visit my website LaurenKDenton.com, or find me on Instagram @LaurenK DentonBooks, Twitter @LaurenKDenton or on Facebook ~LaurenKDentonAuthor