Ordinary Days By Lauren Denton: Chore charts and vegetables

A friend and I had a good laugh the other day about chore charts, and since then I’ve been thinking of all the things I’ve used over the years to judge my parenting skills. I don’t think it was a conscious thing — setting these random markers as ways to grade myself as a parent — but they’re definitely there, buried in my mind, letting me know how I’ve done on any particular day. Over my 13 years of being a parent, these markers have shifted and changed, but it seems there’s always a bar hanging somewhere just out of reach, and for better or worse, in some ways I’m always working to meet it.

One of the earliest ways I remember judging my parenting skills was by the amount of TV my kids watched during the day. If it was a day when my arts and crafts game was strong, or we had fun outings planned, the TV consumption was lower, and I felt like a parent superstar. Other days, I’d tell them they could watch one episode, but then I’d stay quiet while episode 3 came on. On those days, I’d feel like I’d taken two steps back while all the other parents at home were probably busy baking healthy snacks with their kids, teaching them things like how to measure flour and sugar, while all I wanted was to sneak in one more chapter of my book while Curious George taught my girls how to make a metal detector out of a transistor radio and a calculator. (Seriously though, we learned so much from Curious George).

And let’s talk about vegetables. When Kate and Sela were very young, they were great eaters. They’d eat anything we put on the tray of their high chairs: black beans, avocado, spinach, sweet potatoes, cauliflower, bell peppers, peas. As they got older though, either their tastes changed or their desire for independence kicked in, and they both decided to refuse to eat certain foods, especially vegetables. To make it interesting, none of their aversions overlapped. Our sweet pediatrician told me one day at a check-up that I should base their eating on a whole week, not any one particular day. That made me feel a little better, but I was still sure the girls were going to fail to meet their ideal height or weight goals specifically because I couldn’t get them to eat their veggies.

If we were all sitting in a group together right now, I’d ask for a show of hands of those who’ve tried chore charts at your house. I might not ask who’s successfully made a chore chart work though, because I might cry! As my friend said the other day, there’s nothing so hopeful as a mama with a chore chart, and I’ve been that mama so very many times. I’ve attached chore charts to the fridge, the bathroom wall, bedroom doors. I’ve used colorful pens, stickers, rewards. I’ve attempted to set a schedule for sweeping the floor, wiping off countertops, walking the dog and picking up poop in the back yard. I’ve been so hopeful, so full of anticipation and expectation … and boy have I been deflated. My kids are great, and they do help out a little around the house, but it’s never going to be because of a chore chart. In our house at least, they do not work, they leave tape marks on the wall, and no one cares about the stickers.

There have been other, equally comical ways I’ve measured my skills as a parent — for example, whether they say please and thank you in a voice loud enough to be heard by the adult they’re speaking to, the amount of weeping and gnashing of teeth involved in a yearly flu shot, or maybe even an unexpected hug when sisters say good-bye in the morning before school — but thankfully, I’ve mellowed a bit from that new mom who was so intent on the 3-year-old eating all her spinach and having perfect table manners to a mom who knows … well, there’s really no perfection at all, and that goes for kids, parents, and table manners alike. But here’s something I think is true: My job right now as a parent is to guide, shape, and encourage. Listen, love and listen some more. Correct, reassure and discipline when necessary. And maybe, just maybe, when my girls are adults, we will realize our relationships have blossomed from mother-daughter into friendship. And if I’m lucky enough for that to happen, I know it won’t be because of any painstakingly crafted chore charts or recipes that allowed me to sneakily slip spinach into the sauce. It’ll be because of something that looks a whole lot like grace.

When I’m not writing about my family and our various shenanigans, I write novels and go to the grocery store. You can find my books in stores, online, and locally at Little Professor Bookshop. You can reach me by email at Lauren@LaurenKDenton.com, visit my website LaurenKDenton.com, or find me on Instagram @LaurenKDentonBooks or Facebook ~LaurenKDentonAuthor.