Ordinary Days: Unsolicited advice for the mother-to-be

This time last year, I was newly home from the hospital with a second baby girl in tow. A year later, she’s army-crawling everywhere, and my family is eagerly awaiting the arrival of my brother and sister-in-law’s new baby in Atlanta.

At my sister-in-law Leigh’s baby shower a couple of months ago, everyone wrote down a bit of baby advice to give to her later. I wanted to say so many things, but I knew not all of them would have been welcome advice for someone about to have her first baby.

I didn’t tell her about the strange things pregnancy things can do to a girl. Leigh had already been forgetting little things here and there, a sure sign of pregnancy brain. I didn’t mention to her that mine was so bad one day while pregnant with my first daughter Kate that, while attempting to drive from Birmingham to Mobile to visit family, I drove two hours south to Greenville, stopped to get something to eat, then hopped back on I-65 North instead of South.

My pregnancy-fogged brain allowed me to drive 45 minutes back to Montgomery before I realized what I had done. I probably should have told Leigh make sure she plugs her directions into the GPS, just to be sure.

I didn’t tell her how intense the sleep deprivation can be once you’re home with your first child. One morning, after a particularly bad night of trying to coerce little Kate into sleeping, I wandered into the den holding her in my arms.

My husband Matt was getting ready for work, but thankfully, both my parents were still there. I mumbled, “Who wants her?”, handed her over to the first pair of arms I saw, and shuffled back to bed. Maybe I should have suggested to Leigh that she purchase a few bags of extra-strong coffee (or maybe smelling salts) to get herself going in the mornings.

I also didn’t tell her that at some point she will likely doubt her abilities as a parent. Judging by how out of my element I felt and by how many of my friends told me they felt the same thing, I think doubting your parenting skills is almost a rite of passage for new moms.

You can read all the books ever written on the subject of parenting, but nothing can teach you what to do at 3 a.m. when it seems no one in the whole world is awake but you and this tiny, writhing, red-faced little creature. It can make you think you’ll never be good enough and never figure it all out. No parent will ever figure it all out, but I wish I had told her to listen up when her friends and family tell her she is a good mother — because she will be.

What I did tell her is to try to enjoy it all as much as possible because the days can be long but the years are short. I’ve had many days that seemed to last 48 hours instead of 24, days when all four of us wanted to pull our hair out and run for the hills. But overall, we’ve experienced boatloads of sweetness with our two girls. Unbelievably, that little creature who so confounded me that first night (and who still often confounds me!) is now almost four and my second baby is one year old. The years are definitely short.

Lastly, I told her to have a glass of wine at night if she needs it! It won’t hurt the baby and it can only help a shell-shocked, sleep-deprived, love-struck mama.