Ordinary Days: Beating back the critical beast

Not long ago, I was rushing out the door to go to a book event and Kate stopped me as I put on my shoes.

“You need to look more professional,” she said.

I looked down at my chosen outfit. White pants and a cute top — it was pretty much my warm weather go-to outfit when I had an event where shorts or workout clothes wouldn’t be appropriate.

“I do look professional,” I said.

“No, I mean you need to look professional professional.”

“This is as professional as you’re going to see me, honey. And anyway, this is what a writer looks like.”

I didn’t mention that most of the time, writers look a lot less professional than this as we do our work. But I understood what she was getting at. I was going to be around other authors and readers — I should look the part.

Just a few days later, Sela watched me as I dried my hair and put on my makeup. When I leaned down to tell her something, she looked at my eyes — not into my eyes, but at them. “You haven’t put that black stuff on your eyes yet.”

“Mascara?”

She nodded. “You need to put that on.”

“Why do I need to put it on? Are my eyes not OK like this?”

“You don’t look like a mom like this.”

“What do I look like then?” A scary question to ask a child, I know, but I was curious.

She shrugged. “Kind of weird. Or like a kid. Not like a mom.”

I laughed and obliged and put the black stuff on. 

It wasn’t a big deal with either of them — Kate wanting me to look like what, in her eyes, a professional person looks like, and Sela wanting me to look like the mom she’s used to seeing. Kids want their parents to be what they’re supposed to be — and maybe by us “looking the part,” it helps keep the waters in their little worlds smooth and calm. It reinforces their organized view of life. 

But there’s nothing like children, in their honest and unfiltered glory, shining a great big spotlight on one of your most glaring insecurities: that you’re not really cut out for all this. 

Author? Mother? Totally not qualified — you’re just winging it!

“The devil prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” 

I don’t know everything (as I’m sure my sweet children will attest to if given half a chance), but I do know if I listen to those voices telling me I’m an imposter and not really cut out for the jobs God has given me, I might as well lie down in front of that prowling beast and give myself up.

Instead, I try to beat it back a little. When I lose my cool, again, and give in to the quick and easy spark of anger or irritation, I breathe, repent and try again. When my daughter asks me a hard question about a topic I’m not prepared to discuss, I breathe, ask for wisdom and dig in. When the blank page beckons and mocks, begging me to fill it up while daring me attempt yet another novel, I breathe, take a walk if I need to, then come back to the page and throw the words down. 

Just as in life, my first attempts are usually messy. But I’m not walking alone and, thankfully, the one who’s always by my side isn’t roaring — at least, not at me. He’s patient with my failings and messes and faithful to draw me up to my full height and give me the courage to begin again.

My novels “The Hideaway” and “Hurricane Season” are available wherever books are sold. “Glory Road” releases in March 2019. You can reach me by email at Lauren@LaurenKDenton.com, visit my website LaurenKDenton.com or find me on Instagram @LaurenKDentonBooks, Twitter @LaurenKDenton or on Facebook LaurenKDentonAuthor.